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If you'd have told 13 year old me that by my 30th birthday I'd have survived 3 abusive relationships, be filing for divorce and be raising 3 kids as a single mum, I'd have laughed in your face and told you that I am way too smart to get myself into that situation and that no man would ever bring me down. And yet, that's exactly what happened to me and what happens to so many others too. How did I get to that point? Let me explain... 

When I was 15, the world was my oyster. I had a good group of friends, I was doing well at school and I had a loving, supportive family. Things were GOOD! But then I met my first boyfriend and a whole sequence of events began to unravel from there. When we met, this guy was 19 and seemed like a decent lad. He had a good job as a chef in London and was commuting there daily. He didn't smoke, barely drank and was an open book. Until I found out from his mum that he'd been arrested for being involved in an attempted burglary! I was shocked that such a decent guy could do something so stupid. Things esculated when his mum told me the truth about this wonderful guy I had fallen head over heels for. He had lied about everything. His job, his behaviour... he smoked weed and was a party boy and his real job was far less glamorous, working at the local tip. While I didn't mind that his job wasn't fancy, I was gutted that he didn't tell me the truth. But I forgave him. And I forgave him again when he cheated on me at a friend's party. And again when he cheated repeatedly. Young, naive me was so set on getting my fairytale ending that I overlooked things that should have been massive red flags. That's when the real abuse started. He would lie to me about simple things and then gaslight me into believing I was in the wrong. When we argued he would make everything my fault and get so angry I'd apologise just to keep the peace. If I tried to walk away he'd grab me and refuse to let me go until things were "sorted" between us. I was miserable but too in love with who I THOUGHT this man was to let go completely and so I'd take him back every time he hurt me. I was not getting the results I needed at college and I was on a slippery slope. But after 2 years I'd had enough. I confided in family members and found the courage to end the relationship for good. I thought that would be the end of it but things were about to get a lot worse. A few months after the relationship ended, I got a call from a friend saying they knew of a man they thought I should meet. I agreed to go to her's for a double date with this man as well as my friend and her partner. He arrived and we instantly hit it off. He was charming and funny and gave me a lot of compliments and it felt so good to feel that spark again. He was also 10 years older so I loved that he considered me grown up enough to be on the same level. So when he asked me on a date, just the 2 of us, I was over the moon. The first few times we met up he would buy me thoughtful gifts and make me feel like a princess. It seemed too good to be true but there was nothing to indicate that I needed to be worried. After just a few weeks, he told me he'd fallen for me and I had fallen for him too. I hadn't planned to fall pregnant at a young age and definitely not so soon but 2 months after we met, I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test. I was in disbelief but I'd always wanted the chance to be a mum someday so there was never any doubt about whether I was keeping the baby. I told him I would never chase him for money or expect him to help me if he didn't want this and that I was ok with raising it alone. He told me he loved me and couldn't wait to be a dad and that he wanted us to be a proper family. He came to all the scans and we spent hours choosing names for little bump as well as choosing furniture for our home we were looking to get together and saving money for the cot and the pram etc. Life felt perfect. We moved into our own flat in December, close to Christmas and after just 3 days (4 days before Christmas) I went into labour. He was by my side as I gave birth to our little girl and we cried, looking at our tiny princess. Christmas was a magical time and he stepped up and was helping me while I was still sore and exhausted. But this was short lived as he very quickly decided to lay down the law. I was not allowed male friends anymore. No males that weren't his friends could come to our home and I wasn't to message them either. He made it clear I was to look after the baby and keep the flat spotless while he worked and that if it wasn't done, I would be in a lot of trouble. When he got angry he'd trap me in a corner and scream in my face. He'd say the most vile things to me and I was never sure if he was about to hit me. He withheld my money and pushed me to the point where I felt useless as a partner, as a mother and as a person. He was talking to other women behind my back and constantly told me there was plenty of women who would take my place if I let him down. My libido dropped but saying no when he wanted sex wasn't an option and I quickly realised even my body wasn't my own anymore. I eventually opened up to my mum and dad and they helped me escape him. I ended up in a women's refuge miles from home with our daughter and my family and close friend visited often to stop me feeling alone and I finally learned how to stand on my own 2 feet and made new friends along the way. I stopped all contact with him and eventually court agreed he was a danger to our child. He hasn't seen her since she was 11 months old. 

I moved back to my hometown a few months later and it was around this time he had decided to move away (he didn't know I was coming back). I decided I was taking this time to enjoy being a mum and that I didn't want another relationship any time soon. I was now 20 years old and my focus was solely on my child and making our house a home and setting the right example for our daughter. I would go out with friends some weekends and loved them all to bits. I was slowly healing although I didn't know how to love myself, the love I had for my daughter was unmatched and that was all that mattered to me. For the first time in years I was starting to feel strong again. Until along came abuser number 3. 

This one was different. I'd known him for years as we'd been friends since primary school and had a lot of mutual friends. I hadn't planned on anything more but we bumped into each other on a night out and we began flirting. At first we wanted to keep things casual and see how it went but we hung out most evenings when my daughter was asleep and before long our friendship was blossoming into something more. We took things slow at first but after an argument with his dad one Sunday, he ended up moving in. I was apprehensive but I figured he couldn't possibly be bad if I'd not seen that throughout the entire friendship. It was nice having someone else there in the evenings when my daughter went to bed instead of falling asleep alone in front of the tv and things seemed to be going well. We had the occasional argument but I didn't feel unsafe at that time. It wasn't until after we got married and had our son that things changed which was 3 years later. Our son was a week old and we ended up arguing. I wanted to stay at my nan's until I'd fed and changed the baby as he was hungry and my husband wanted to leave straight away and go home to feed him. I tried to talk to him calmly but he got really angry and stormed out telling me to deal with it myself. I was stunned. He did come back a little while later and we sorted it but I had seen another side to him that I didn't like. Nothing else happened for a while but like every relationship before, it slowly happened again, more and more often until before I knew it, I was trapped in yet another horrible situation. As our son became a toddler, he didn't sleep the best and my husband would refuse to help. Meaning I was up til late night with our son and then awake all day too, cleaning and making sure the kids were looked after. My husband's excuse was "I'm working, you're home all day. You should nap when they nap". But if the clothes weren't washed or the dishes weren't done, there would be arguments and so I found myself cleaning during nap times instead. I got a job too but still was the only one cleaning. My husband preferred playing games with his friends online. Then lockdown happened. My husband was furloughed and I was working from home. He barely kept an eye on the kids and the house was constantly a mess which caused so many arguments. My husband's temper was getting worse and I knew I was no longer in love with this man. I was just too scared of what would happen if I tried to end the relationship. I opened up to a close friend who told me I was doing the kids more harm by staying and that I needed to do what was best for them and me and be brave. And just as I was ready to execute that plan, I discovered I was pregnant with baby number 3. We'd barely slept together for months and this was not what I wanted. But I couldn't get rid of my baby. So I continued to suffer in silence throughout the pregnancy, only confiding in a couple of close friends to help me get through it. But my husband, although saying he wanted the baby, made it clear that wasn't the case. He showed minimal support and the night I had our son, I cried myself to sleep wondering why I couldn't have a proper family unit with love and respect and wondering how I could make life better for my children. When my son was only a few weeks old, our marriage ended. It was the summer holidays, my husband was staying in bed or gaming all the time and I was expected to juggle 3 kids and clean the house. He'd moaned that I hadn't taken the kids out anywhere all summer which wasn't true but I couldn't do much as I was still working out our routine. This one day he accused me of not feeding the kids properly and started screaming at me that I was a terrible mother and that our kids would be better off in care. I'd finally had enough and snapped at him that his opinion didn't matter to me because I didn't want to be with him anymore and I was sick of him. That same day he moved out and instantly I started feeling better. I'll discuss what happened with the kids after the split another time. But I was finally free and felt the best I ever had. I was 27 then and the most determined I'd ever been to never allow myself to be in that situation again.

I'm now 31, almost 32 and life has changed so much. My youngest is now 3 and my eldest is about to turn 13. I have a partner who genuinely loves and respects me and treats the children like they're his own. And now I feel ready to make my story the fuel I need to help and support others. I've been doing training courses and researching and using my own experiences and those of people around me, to help me start a community for like - minded people who are ready to thrive and grow healthily and step into their next chapter.